To Believe Or Not Believe I'm Blind

'Well, I know she cannot see, but I am not sure if it is as bad as Jodi says it to be.' Well, if not being visually impaired is not enough to deal with, I used to find myself sometimes having to defend my 'blindness'. I have often felt I needed to 'prove' how much I REALLY can see. I was under the impression that certain people around me felt like I was lying. I wondered if these same people would question whether a person who is a paraplegic is faking if or how well they are able to walk.

Now do not get me wrong, most people do not feel this way. Most people know my integrity. They also know that I have always been a hard worker. Most people are impressed by how well I do considering my visual impairment. But it is funny, I was once told a saying that '100 good job boy is canceled out by one oh shit!'

I have been told that I do more than many sighted people. I have also been told that my achievements can make it easy for others to not understand my visual impairments. I was born into a body with a hereditary eye condition called retinitis pigmentosis (RP). So basically, I have small islands in my central vision that I can see out of. And in those small islands, I see 20/200 with correction. At least that was what my last test said over two years ago. Unfortunately, my visual impairment is progressive. I do not get them checked at this point since there are no real cures. But I do not need a test to share with me that it has continued to progress since my last eye visit.

Although I do not go to my retinal doctor regularly, I am in contact with him often. Anytime someone mention, 'I think they found a cure for you', I email my doctor. My doctor has been following my family since I was five. He is one of the top RP doctors in the world. My doctor has dedicated his life to researching gene therapy for my family's eye condition. We are so grateful to him and other of the like. At this point, none of the information I have shared with him is helpful to me and my family. My doctor is hopeful that some cure will be available during my lifetime, but not yet.

When I realized some people did not believe me, I felt angry and hurt. People who have known me all my life would never doubt me. They know me well enough and have spent enough time with me. I know I can throw people off because I use reasoning to see sometimes or just guess. I look in the direction of people's eyes and I seem to have good eye contact, yet I do not see their face. I guess until these people borrow my sight for a day, they just would not understand.

There was a time when I wanted to prove to them that I cannot see well. I wanted to show them my test that shows my visual field. I wanted them to understand why sometimes I may see something and then I cannot. If something is in my little island, I will see it very blurry. If it is not in my small island, well, it is not there for me. I can see the inconsistency being confusing. Yet, to not be believed is a whole other thing.

At some point, I just had to let go of caring what people think. If certain people do not want to help me with safety because they do not believe me, well, so be it. Although, I have found those relationships don't last. I have learned there is a much deeper issue in those 'friendships'. I am learning you cannot blame people for what they think or feel. I also have learned that I do not need to waste my time trying to prove what I can and cannot see to these people. I would rather spend my time enjoying Life. Most of my daily tasks take many times longer to do, so I have no precious time to waste.

Like I said, it is not the majority of people I interact with that feel this way. I just wanted to share some of my human experiences with you. I think our human relationships are interesting. After all, the human is a two legged animal.

Jodi Jainchill PT, CFMT