In the practice of Yoga, we are taught to not listen to our personal mind. I second that idea. I would love to be more present to life. Live in the moment to moment. To fully experience what is in front of me all the time. But, I do know the mind has many great qualities. The intellectual mind can be very useful when used wisely. So here's my dilemma.
I first realized that I use my mind to see during my Hoop Convergence experience.Hoop Convergence is a fabulous hooping retreat in the middle of the woods in N.C. Even though I already live in the woods, I am familiar with my surroundings. On the other hand, the woods in N.C. were brand new for me. It had been a while since I had been in unfamiliar territory. With my eye disease, retinitis pigmentosa, my day vision is much better than my night vision. So, during the day I try to scope out and memorize the 'lay of the land'. Each cabin at the retreat had a ramp or a staircase to choose from to get onto the porch. When leaving my cabin, the ramp was on the right and the stairs on the left. I always took the ramp since it felt safer. Well, one of the evenings while visiting friends in another cabin, I approached the right side assuming there was a ramp. I approached what I thought was the ramp with confidence; like I could see the ramp. I took the footing as such, only to jolt my back as my foot fell to the first step. Each cabin was designed differently. I used my mind to 'see' the ramp. A ramp that was not there in reality. It was in those moments that it became clear that I relied on my mind for sight.
I guess I did not realize it since I know my surroundings at home. I know it like the back of my hand so to speak. I soon realized at home that I really do not see objects, but I just know where they should be and act accordingly. Wow! How adaptable the human can be.
Another incident that recently shed some light on my situation happened at home. I had asked my boyfriend to hand me the Vicks Vapor Rub jar. I was busy doing things and when he handed it to me I had forgotten I had asked for it. As he handed it to me, I had no idea what it was, so I asked. He reminded me I had asked for the Vicks. I quickly realized I could not even see what he was handing to me. Again, it is becoming more clear how I use my mind to 'see' things.
So here's my questions, should I not listen to my mind? Is this my intellect mind or personal mind? Is this part of my mind making life easier for me or not? Well, I guess it does not matter what I think. I do know that as I let go of my personal thoughts everything gets more clear to me. The most important thing for me to see is clarity. Then I will stop 'looking' and just 'seeing'. How Buddhist of me ;)
Jodi Jainchill PT,CFMT
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
To Believe Or Not Believe I'm Blind
'Well, I know she cannot see, but I am not sure if it is as bad as Jodi says it to be.' Well, if not being visually impaired is not enough to deal with, I used to find myself sometimes having to defend my 'blindness'. I have often felt I needed to 'prove' how much I REALLY can see. I was under the impression that certain people around me felt like I was lying. I wondered if these same people would question whether a person who is a paraplegic is faking if or how well they are able to walk.
Now do not get me wrong, most people do not feel this way. Most people know my integrity. They also know that I have always been a hard worker. Most people are impressed by how well I do considering my visual impairment. But it is funny, I was once told a saying that '100 good job boy is canceled out by one oh shit!'
I have been told that I do more than many sighted people. I have also been told that my achievements can make it easy for others to not understand my visual impairments. I was born into a body with a hereditary eye condition called retinitis pigmentosis (RP). So basically, I have small islands in my central vision that I can see out of. And in those small islands, I see 20/200 with correction. At least that was what my last test said over two years ago. Unfortunately, my visual impairment is progressive. I do not get them checked at this point since there are no real cures. But I do not need a test to share with me that it has continued to progress since my last eye visit.
Although I do not go to my retinal doctor regularly, I am in contact with him often. Anytime someone mention, 'I think they found a cure for you', I email my doctor. My doctor has been following my family since I was five. He is one of the top RP doctors in the world. My doctor has dedicated his life to researching gene therapy for my family's eye condition. We are so grateful to him and other of the like. At this point, none of the information I have shared with him is helpful to me and my family. My doctor is hopeful that some cure will be available during my lifetime, but not yet.
When I realized some people did not believe me, I felt angry and hurt. People who have known me all my life would never doubt me. They know me well enough and have spent enough time with me. I know I can throw people off because I use reasoning to see sometimes or just guess. I look in the direction of people's eyes and I seem to have good eye contact, yet I do not see their face. I guess until these people borrow my sight for a day, they just would not understand.
There was a time when I wanted to prove to them that I cannot see well. I wanted to show them my test that shows my visual field. I wanted them to understand why sometimes I may see something and then I cannot. If something is in my little island, I will see it very blurry. If it is not in my small island, well, it is not there for me. I can see the inconsistency being confusing. Yet, to not be believed is a whole other thing.
At some point, I just had to let go of caring what people think. If certain people do not want to help me with safety because they do not believe me, well, so be it. Although, I have found those relationships don't last. I have learned there is a much deeper issue in those 'friendships'. I am learning you cannot blame people for what they think or feel. I also have learned that I do not need to waste my time trying to prove what I can and cannot see to these people. I would rather spend my time enjoying Life. Most of my daily tasks take many times longer to do, so I have no precious time to waste.
Like I said, it is not the majority of people I interact with that feel this way. I just wanted to share some of my human experiences with you. I think our human relationships are interesting. After all, the human is a two legged animal.
Jodi Jainchill PT, CFMT
Now do not get me wrong, most people do not feel this way. Most people know my integrity. They also know that I have always been a hard worker. Most people are impressed by how well I do considering my visual impairment. But it is funny, I was once told a saying that '100 good job boy is canceled out by one oh shit!'
I have been told that I do more than many sighted people. I have also been told that my achievements can make it easy for others to not understand my visual impairments. I was born into a body with a hereditary eye condition called retinitis pigmentosis (RP). So basically, I have small islands in my central vision that I can see out of. And in those small islands, I see 20/200 with correction. At least that was what my last test said over two years ago. Unfortunately, my visual impairment is progressive. I do not get them checked at this point since there are no real cures. But I do not need a test to share with me that it has continued to progress since my last eye visit.
Although I do not go to my retinal doctor regularly, I am in contact with him often. Anytime someone mention, 'I think they found a cure for you', I email my doctor. My doctor has been following my family since I was five. He is one of the top RP doctors in the world. My doctor has dedicated his life to researching gene therapy for my family's eye condition. We are so grateful to him and other of the like. At this point, none of the information I have shared with him is helpful to me and my family. My doctor is hopeful that some cure will be available during my lifetime, but not yet.
When I realized some people did not believe me, I felt angry and hurt. People who have known me all my life would never doubt me. They know me well enough and have spent enough time with me. I know I can throw people off because I use reasoning to see sometimes or just guess. I look in the direction of people's eyes and I seem to have good eye contact, yet I do not see their face. I guess until these people borrow my sight for a day, they just would not understand.
There was a time when I wanted to prove to them that I cannot see well. I wanted to show them my test that shows my visual field. I wanted them to understand why sometimes I may see something and then I cannot. If something is in my little island, I will see it very blurry. If it is not in my small island, well, it is not there for me. I can see the inconsistency being confusing. Yet, to not be believed is a whole other thing.
At some point, I just had to let go of caring what people think. If certain people do not want to help me with safety because they do not believe me, well, so be it. Although, I have found those relationships don't last. I have learned there is a much deeper issue in those 'friendships'. I am learning you cannot blame people for what they think or feel. I also have learned that I do not need to waste my time trying to prove what I can and cannot see to these people. I would rather spend my time enjoying Life. Most of my daily tasks take many times longer to do, so I have no precious time to waste.
Like I said, it is not the majority of people I interact with that feel this way. I just wanted to share some of my human experiences with you. I think our human relationships are interesting. After all, the human is a two legged animal.
Jodi Jainchill PT, CFMT
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Where Do I Sign?
I am standing at the cash register with my 'white' cane in my hand and it is time for me to use my credit card. I swipe it through in every direction possible till the lady behind the counter says cash or credit? When she hands me the receipt to sign for my credit card I ask her, 'where do I sign, I am visually impaired?' I say this while I hold up my 'white cane'. The cashier points at the bottom of the paper and says 'where it says sign.'
Well, if you were standing in my shoes with a 'white' cane, what do you think I should say. Maybe she did not notice my cane? Maybe she did not hear me say I am visually impaired? Maybe she is thinking of what she is making for dinner and she is on auto pilot?
Well, I feel I can take two different approaches. I can ignore the 'ignorance' or I can educate. Do they not realize a person using a cane and asking where to sign cannot see the lightly printed five point font word 'signature'?
Well, from my experience, the passive approach is not good action. Therefore, I need to approach this situation without being defensive but informative of my situation. After all, I go to the same stores and will run into this each time.
So I ask, 'do you know what visually impaired means' in a very confident but compassionate voice. That always gets their attention.
I have noticed, some people are just not comfortable around 'disabled' people. Like saying the words 'see' or 'read' is taboo or offensive. Or better yet, they don't look at you or turn their back on you when in a group conversation. Hmmm...not sure what to say about that.
On the other hand, some people are champions! They are so helpful it feels like they want to walk for you, almost carry you. In these cases, I just educate them with what I am capable of seeing and let them know how much I appreciate their help and consciousness of me.
Finally, there are the people that are just compassionate and clearly comfortable in my situation. They ask what I need . They assist me with love and not feeling sorry for me. They feel honored to help me. Nothing worse than feeling like you are annoying someone cause you cannot see what color or how much a product costs.
So as you can imagine, all sorts of emotions can arise from these daily encounters. After a while, you just get comfortable addressing these situations and sometimes find them quite humorous. Sometimes, it hits you harder and you handle them with as much integrity as you can. But, my favorite part of my disability is that I get to interact with all sorts of people. People that a sighted person may not normally get to opportunity to interact with.
Jodi Jainchill PT, CMFT
Well, if you were standing in my shoes with a 'white' cane, what do you think I should say. Maybe she did not notice my cane? Maybe she did not hear me say I am visually impaired? Maybe she is thinking of what she is making for dinner and she is on auto pilot?
Well, I feel I can take two different approaches. I can ignore the 'ignorance' or I can educate. Do they not realize a person using a cane and asking where to sign cannot see the lightly printed five point font word 'signature'?
Well, from my experience, the passive approach is not good action. Therefore, I need to approach this situation without being defensive but informative of my situation. After all, I go to the same stores and will run into this each time.
So I ask, 'do you know what visually impaired means' in a very confident but compassionate voice. That always gets their attention.
I have noticed, some people are just not comfortable around 'disabled' people. Like saying the words 'see' or 'read' is taboo or offensive. Or better yet, they don't look at you or turn their back on you when in a group conversation. Hmmm...not sure what to say about that.
On the other hand, some people are champions! They are so helpful it feels like they want to walk for you, almost carry you. In these cases, I just educate them with what I am capable of seeing and let them know how much I appreciate their help and consciousness of me.
Finally, there are the people that are just compassionate and clearly comfortable in my situation. They ask what I need . They assist me with love and not feeling sorry for me. They feel honored to help me. Nothing worse than feeling like you are annoying someone cause you cannot see what color or how much a product costs.
So as you can imagine, all sorts of emotions can arise from these daily encounters. After a while, you just get comfortable addressing these situations and sometimes find them quite humorous. Sometimes, it hits you harder and you handle them with as much integrity as you can. But, my favorite part of my disability is that I get to interact with all sorts of people. People that a sighted person may not normally get to opportunity to interact with.
Jodi Jainchill PT, CMFT
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